0 notes
i’ve never written year-end reflection posts but i’m going to write one now. it’s not a reflection of sorts. i merely wish to highlight how the supposed ‘milestones’ of your life is just a dumb construct invented to instill a false sense of significance of how far you’ve come, using my life as an example.
the amount of pain i met with left me transformed but in the worst of ways. i managed to deal with it by distancing myself from people and sinking into the world of banal entertainment. every night i question god’s plans and i wonder if this is his idea of hardship that he knows i can handle. by the end of the year, i carried out my ritualistic duties by attempting to bring my friends together so we could exchange birthday gifts but none of them seemed bothered. if it weren’t that i had to pass your stupid presents i would ignore you guys entirely. i know i shouldn’t take it personally but yeah, enjoy the fact that people around you have celebrated your glorious birth into this life so you can’t be arsed to have more ‘celebrations’ with the rest of the folks that you don’t particularly care about. if you guys can’t be bothered then i won’t either from now on. it’s not like i’m important enough in your lives to warrant a sense of loss even if i’m gone. by the way, this is not a cry for attention. everyday i’m learning to care less so i can fit into the disgusting world of egoistic individuals. this is what 2011 has taught me.
i can’t live like this. even into the new year, every little setback seems like a massive attack. god, i grapple everyday with what it means to be brought here to suffer. every breathing second is a lesson on hating myself. of course, what is ‘special’ to others has to be horrific when it comes to me.
